Let me explain the title. For those who are fans of certain popular tv shows, you will understand the concept of someone being "your person." According to urbandictionary.com, Your person is your best friend and so much more. You connect with them in so many different levels and when you aren’t around them for an extended period of time you feel lost and empty. You can trust them with everything and you know they will love you no matter what. This person in generally not your boyfriend or girlfriend but they are your best friend. You feel a sense of joy and happiness when your around them and they always make you smile. You can’t be near them and not be happy and if your aren’t happy while your near them they will always cheer you up. Keep this person close to you and never let go of what you have. Well, I found MY person and almost 11 years ago he left me here alone to deal with all of my shit by myself. So to say I have some unfairly directed hurt aimed at those who are lucky enough to have their very own person is a very true statement that I'm not proud of, but it is what it is. It really is true what they say about finding out where you really stand in people's lives when real shit happens. It brings true colors to the surface. It makes you reevaluate all of those relationships and you can begin to feel very alone. Luc has been gone for almost 11 years now...you would think I would have come to the cold hard realization much sooner than this but maybe I've been in some kind of denial for the last 10 years. Maybe now that it is something important, something that I really NEED him for, that I am having to come to grips not only with the personal shit and health issues, but also being forced to finally accept that he's gone and I'm alone and have no one to be MY person anymore. I told a friend today that I would give anything to just be able to go to Luc's house and walk in the door. Let him flirt with me for a little bit and make me smile, ask me what we're drinking later and then tell me to tell him what was wrong. Then I would cuss and scream and cry and say all the things I can't say to anyone else and it would stop ravaging my soul nightly when I close my eyes. I'm so angry at him for not being here now when I need him the most. There's so much I could only say to him I know there's not anything he would tell me that would make any of my problems go away or any easier to deal with, but I would feel so much better just for being able to get them out of my head, off my heart, in the ether between us. So they were no longer inside threatening the fragile heart they belong to.... I would give anything to have just one more conversation. I know it is purely selfish of me because here it is that I REALLY need him more than ever and I can't have it. I miss him and I wish he was here. He would give me the strength to do what I need to do or the sense to not make a huge mistake. I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here. I need you now more than ever. |