So I feel like I have failed. I set out to do this blog as a daily thing to help me with my every day struggles and triumphs. This month has not gone as planned. I am having a hard time with this month. I don't know if it is because I prolonged the inevitable depression attached to July until now and it has hit me full force and I was just not prepared for it or if it is the significance of this month, this year. My oldest daughter turned 18 this month. This realization has hit me like a ton of bricks. Her father left me and took her and her sister when the girls were 3 and 4. I missed out on so much of their childhood. All of their big firsts, I wasn't there for...someone else got to share those precious memories. My youngest also began middle school this month. This cuts deep for multiple reasons. As I experience all of Kya's firsts, it pierces me with the knowledge that I didn't get to share those with Samantha and Olivia. Of course, there is also the fact that I am just not ready for her to grow up and not be my "little" girl anymore.
I really am trying to pull myself up out of this funk, but again, I make no promises. Until then, may you hear symphonies where there are only wind chimes. ~ epiphany |